HAMLET VS. GOODZILLA
Act One, Scene Two
{Inside a Theatre. PRINCE HAMLET, costumed in royal cloak and crown, struts across the stage. He hears a smattering of applause from a small audience.}
HAMLET: To be or to be nothing. What a dilemma. Should I suffer these slings, arrows, splinters and jagged shards of fate? Or put an end to them thus?
(Hamlet sets the blade of a sword under his own neck.)
FARMER (in audience): Do it! Draw blood.
(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, late arrivals, searching for seats, enter through the audience.)
GUILDENSTERN: The actor presents himself with a complex choice.
ROSENCRANTZ: Attend to the mission.
GUILDENSTERN: He wonders if life offers him purpose.
ROSENCRANTZ: Tell him it does not.
(On the stage, Hamlet addresses a peasant Woman)
HAMLET: O’ you rogues and peasant slaves. Join my court. For, without you, I am my own jester. I am treasury but treasured not. And less a king than a kingdom of one ruled by my own empty heart--
GUILDENSTERN: “I’m not satisfied being filthy rich.”
ROSENCRANTZ: “I hate being Prince.”
GUILDENSTERN: “I have to mock my royal family on a stage.”
FARMER: Shhh.
ROSENCRANTZ: You shhh.
HAMLET: Who dares interrupt?
FARMER: Enemies of the theatre.
ROSENCRANTZ: (to Audience) But friends of the family.
GUILDENSTERN: The royal family.
(Rosencrantz approaches the stage. Guildenstern follows.)
HAMLET: Be happy I reject the crown, Guildenstern. If I took it seriously, I would amputate your tongue.
GUILDENSTERN: It was Rosencrantz tongue what said it, Sir.
(Rosencrantz slaps Guildenstern on the back of his head)
ROSENCRANTZ: I didn’t mean to denigrate the theatre, Royal Sir. But we came on royal business.
HAMLET: I care nothing for the throne. My greater, more glorious passion is to speak the holy words the Creator put in the hands of our great scribes. You fools. I pity you. You’ll never have the pleasure of a passion.
GUILDENSTERN: We have a passion, Sir. To serve with abject servility. At least, I do.
(The men climb the stage)
MILKMAID (in audience, to Farmer): That strikes me as overly theatrical.
FARMER: I think it’s quite bold and inventive.
ROSENCRANTZ: May we discuss a family matter?
HAMLET: Tell my father I don’t need his tutoring. I’m busy with affairs of true import.
ROSENCRANTZ: Actually the King cares little for tutoring right now.
HAMLET: Does one of his nymphets preoccupy his scepter?
GUILDENSTERN: He’s had some difficulties.
HAMLET: Is he ill?
GUILDENSTERN: He’s definitely not well.
HAMLET: What disease besets him?
GUILDENSTERN: Disease is not a problem.
HAMLET: Is it bandits?
ROSENCRANTZ: No.
HAMLET: Rebels?
GUILDENSTERN: Not really.
HAMLET: Foreign troops?
GUILDENSTERN: Something more in the animal realm, Sire.
HAMLET: This animal which plagues him. Describe it.
ROSENCRANTZ: Large.
GUILDENSTERN: Green.
ROSENCRANTZ: Fiery breath. Scaley. Slimy. And, oh, taller than a tree.
HAMLET: Is my father hurt?
ROSENCRANTZ: Hurt doesn’t put it accurately.
GUILDENSTERN: He’s more dead than hurt, Sir.
HAMLET: You taunt me.
(Hamlet strikes Rosencrantz on the chin. He falls.)
FARMER: Action. This play has everything.
ROSENCRANTZ: By order of the royal court, I declare this proceeding shut down.
HAMLET: My father will hang you.
GUILDENSTERN: Not in his present condition.
HAMLET: Then I’ll hang you.
GUILDENSTERN: That’s the spirit!
(c)2007 Gabby Gruen
